tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1347854975589593062023-11-16T05:40:02.845-08:00ICantPayMyFinesICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.comBlogger142125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-9680187754418241192011-11-16T08:52:00.001-08:002011-11-16T08:52:27.166-08:00I'll be on the lookout for you. Thanks for the warning.Protip: When confronted with the knowledge that you owe $3 in late fines on one item, the appropriate response is not, "Well, I'm just gonna come down there and steal some shit."ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-35209863777698307602011-09-24T09:12:00.001-07:002011-09-24T09:12:32.620-07:00I think you might have bigger problems that you realize<span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> What kind of foods have a lot of fiber?</span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;">Librarian:<span style="color: black;"> Pretty much everything has a small amount, but some have a lot more than others. Mostly plant based foods.</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> So butter has fiber in it?</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;">Librarian:<span style="color: black;"> Um. No.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;">Patron: <span style="color: black;">What about cheese and meatballs?</span></span> </span></span> </span></span> </span></span></span></span>ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-48042046384528006592011-09-13T16:03:00.000-07:002011-09-13T16:03:22.112-07:00Whose job is it to sit around and speculate this stuff?<span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> You know the 30 pieces of silver Judas was paid to betray Jesus? How much is that in today's money?</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;">Not only did Google provide our librarian with a plethora of sites that answered that question, but it finished her question for her as she was asking it!</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;">The answer might be $950...or possibly $5,000. You need to define, "piece." </span></span>ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-21883476831239781472011-09-02T10:48:00.000-07:002011-09-02T10:48:37.512-07:00for you? or your "friend"<span style="color: #cc0000;">patron on phone:<span style="color: black;"> Are there any independent labs in town that test liquids for parasites?</span></span>ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-15524522315252443112011-07-13T03:52:00.000-07:002011-07-13T03:52:43.310-07:00Is it hygienically appropriate to floss in the library?<br />
<br />
Like, at a table while reading the newspaper?<br />
<br />
No?<br />
<br />
I didn't think so either. I don't want to accidently touch one of your spittle flecks that went flying every which way.ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-72891910761552537812011-07-10T06:17:00.001-07:002011-07-10T06:17:49.777-07:00No wonder there's so much crime out there. People have a really hard time understand the difference between legal and illegal!<span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> You got a Green Lantern Dvd?</span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;">Librarian:<span style="color: black;"> No, that's still in theaters.</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> Not even a bootleg copy?</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;">Librarian:<span style="color: black;"> Sir, those are illegal.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> Okay, I tell you what. I get a bootleg copy and I make a bunch of copies and I give them to the library!</span></span> </span></span> </span></span> </span></span> </span></span>ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-14487865248917082772011-07-09T04:56:00.000-07:002011-07-09T04:56:44.896-07:00I've had to ask people to keep their voices down, especially on their cell phones, and I've had to ask people to turn their MP3 players down because they're so loud that I can hear them, but until yesterday, I'd never had to ask someone to turn off their white noise machine. The ocean sounds were lovely, but they were bothering other patrons.ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-67198984062171675312011-07-07T06:30:00.000-07:002011-07-07T06:30:24.841-07:00I'd feel threatened if I weren't laughing so hard<span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> If you cut your hair again, I'm gonna break your face!</span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;">Librarian:<span style="color: black;"> Wha...what?</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> I really like slim jims. Don't cut your hair anymore, my Momma corn-row it for you. </span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;">That last part was rapped, by the way. </span></span> </span></span> </span></span>ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-24317585270887193702011-04-15T19:49:00.001-07:002011-04-15T19:49:55.056-07:00Some people have real problemsIf you try to upload a picture of your penis to the computer, you should not ask library staff for help.ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-13464851805079675112011-01-30T07:48:00.001-08:002011-01-30T07:48:21.074-08:00Amazing NamesO.K. forget Thursday.<br />
<br />
If your last name begins with "L," you should not name your daughter Genita.<br />
<br />
<b>Genita L.</b><br />
<br />
<b> </b>Cruelty. Seriously.ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-27282042698476172922010-12-27T17:44:00.000-08:002010-12-27T17:44:05.665-08:00I'm going to call everyone when I get home so that you know that I got there safely<span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> Can I see your collection of books bound in human skin?</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;">Turns out, it's an O.K. question. Many libraries have books bound in human skin in their special collections. </span></span>ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-5792315546089320562010-12-17T17:59:00.000-08:002010-12-17T17:59:42.591-08:00You tell 'em, Old man<span style="color: black;">Today I overheard an extra fun tidbit in the library today. There are two old men who come in everyday and everyone in the neighborhood knows them. The first one, actually, is known by everyone in the whole city because he is an eccentric lunatic with a list of priors that include things like "menacing." He likes to talk big and meaningful, but I learned from someone else in the hood that he has never had a job and lives off of a trust fund. The second one just says funny things occasionally and is generally good natured.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;">First old guy:<span style="color: black;"> </span></span> </span>The students at ::Local:: University don't know Shakespeare! Or Philosophy! They should ban alcohol there and become a dry campus!<br />
<span style="color: #274e13;">Other Old Guy:<span style="color: black;"> College without beer is like sausage without sauerkraut. Who wants that?</span></span>ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-68242815063887010212010-12-10T14:46:00.000-08:002010-12-10T14:46:15.514-08:00Amazing Names ThursdayOur son is going to be so full of life! Let's call him <b>Spiritson!</b>ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-64164161729940696682010-11-30T17:24:00.000-08:002010-11-30T17:24:31.096-08:00I think you wanted the KKK meeting<span style="color: red;">Patron on the phone:<span style="color: black;"> I'm interested in the program you're having this Saturday, hosted by the housing authority.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;">Me on the phone:<span style="color: black;"> Yes, the one about accomodating your properties for Section 8?</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> Yeah. Are they going to be talking about how to keep black</span></span> </span></span> </span></span>people out of your buildings?ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-43913143774827861532010-11-20T19:39:00.001-08:002010-11-20T19:39:04.930-08:00It's part of training.<span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> When you guys get hired here, do you have to learn Shoalin-Monk-Kun-Fu?</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;">I totally said, "yes." </span></span>ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-1589023444064517072010-11-17T15:15:00.001-08:002010-11-17T15:15:58.982-08:00Everyone, get your aluminum foil helmets on...<span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> I'm sorry I can't come to your branch anymore. There is too much electro-magnetic contamination.</span></span>ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-28785890720278620262010-11-15T20:13:00.001-08:002010-11-15T20:13:54.654-08:00Amazing Names ThursdayIt's Thursday, people<br />
<br />
<b>Ja'sin.</b><br />
<br />
<b> </b><br />
what a bad ass.ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-71290878473035864822010-11-09T16:50:00.000-08:002010-11-09T17:08:12.180-08:00You took the words right outta my mouth<span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> I need a lot of helping getting some some books. I need a beginner's book of yoga, a biography of Abraham Lincoln, a book of watercolor landscapes....</span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;">and so on...</span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> I'm so sorry I'm wasting your time. </span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;">Me:<span style="color: black;"> No, it's my job.</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><br />
<span style="color: black;"></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;">and so on....</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;">25 requests later:</span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"> </span></span><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> Can I do something for you? Can I call your supervisor and say nice things? Can I buy you a cup of coffee?</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;">Me:<span style="color: black;"> Your taxes pay for me to be here and do this for you. Really. Just keep coming back. That's all</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> Wow. Thanks.</span></span> </span></span> </span></span> </span></span> </span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><b><span style="color: red;">Next Patron in line:</span></b><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"> Man, did that guy wanna pee in your mouth or what?</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
</span></span>ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-75229697415852619562010-10-12T06:51:00.000-07:002010-10-12T06:51:42.616-07:00Would you like fries with that?<span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> So you guys are really gonna go ahead with building that new library over on the east side?</span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;">Me:<span style="color: black;"> Yep. It's gonna happen.</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> That's a shame.</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;">Me: <span style="color: black;">Whu...why?</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> Look at all the nut jobs in here. You think the people in that neighborhood want these people hanging out around there? You guys are like McDonald's. You destroy the fabric of the neighborhood.</span></span> </span></span> </span></span> </span></span> </span></span>ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-79400005549382551582010-10-01T17:12:00.001-07:002010-10-01T17:12:23.879-07:00Amazing Names Thursday<b>Messiah.</b> I don't know what to say about that. I mean, people name their kid Jesus all the time, but that's just a regular ole name.ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-11172973190660126812010-09-25T08:41:00.000-07:002010-09-25T08:41:24.651-07:00Hence the term "secret"<span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> Can you verify some information for me by looking in the old census reports?</span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;">Me:<span style="color: black;"> Sure!</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> O.K. can you look up Joe Schmo, who was born in 1883 in this certain county in Pennsylvania, and his wife was Susie Schmo and they had two kids name Rod and Todd?</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;">Me:<span style="color: black;"> Yep! That's exactly was the census says here!</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> O.K. great. Now, does it say anything about all of the children he had with his secret, Italian wife?</span></span> </span></span> </span></span> </span></span> </span></span>ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-152329168401956662010-09-18T17:13:00.000-07:002010-09-18T17:13:27.765-07:00Don't try this at work...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://chemeris.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/tumblr_kt1mis4Wt81qzty50o1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://chemeris.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/tumblr_kt1mis4Wt81qzty50o1_500.jpg" width="226" /></a></div>a sexy librarian photo shoot gone horribly awry.ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-81945325104371007262010-09-12T08:56:00.000-07:002010-09-12T08:56:56.959-07:00I'm sorry, my bad.<span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> I want to do some genealogy research on my Grandma.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;">Librarian:<span style="color: black;"> O.K., what was her name?</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> Grandma</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;">Librarian:<span style="color: black;"> Ha ha. Of course. What was her first and last name?</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: red;">Patron:<span style="color: black;"> What? How am I supposed to know? No one know their Grandma's name.</span></span> </span></span> </span></span> </span></span> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;"> </span></span>ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-5188970740844011972010-09-04T20:37:00.000-07:002010-09-04T20:37:33.162-07:00Beware the sweaty manSweaty man is a legend. I've been working for the library for some time now, and I've been hearing about sweaty man my whole career. I figured he was just an urban legend. Someone Grandpa used to teach me a moral. He was sweaty...and an a complete and utter a-hole. My friend says she saw sweaty man once, and then saw him at a liquor store about 5 miles away. He's probably all sweaty because he walks such a far distance. He's lewd, crude and rude. He demands the kind of customer service that you just don't get from people who get paychecks from the state. He chats on fetish websites.<br />
<br />
Well,<br />
<br />
I SAW SWEATY MAN WITH MY OWN TWO EYES YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
He was sweaty. He dripped sweat on our nice tile floors. He was dick. It was everything he could have been.<br />
<br />
<br />
I can't wait to tell my grandkids.ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-134785497558959306.post-95436376554006352010-08-26T05:25:00.003-07:002010-08-26T05:25:33.323-07:00Amazing Names Thursday<b>Altronic</b><br />
<br />
What?<br />
<br />
A google search for "Altronic" turns up a bunch of engineering crap.ICantPayMyFineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07219994954274099342noreply@blogger.com0