I'll be on the lookout for you. Thanks for the warning.

Protip: When confronted with the knowledge that you owe $3 in late fines on one item, the appropriate response is not, "Well, I'm just gonna come down there and steal some shit."

I think you might have bigger problems that you realize

Patron: What kind of foods have a lot of fiber?
Librarian: Pretty much everything has a small amount, but some have a lot more than others. Mostly plant based foods.
Patron: So butter has fiber in it?
Librarian: Um. No.
Patron: What about cheese and meatballs?  

Whose job is it to sit around and speculate this stuff?

Patron: You know the 30 pieces of silver Judas was paid to betray Jesus? How much is that in today's money?

Not only did Google provide our librarian with a plethora of sites that answered that question, but it finished her question for her as she was asking it!

The answer might be $950...or possibly $5,000. You need to define, "piece."

for you? or your "friend"

patron on phone: Are there any independent labs in town that test liquids for parasites?

Is it hygienically appropriate to floss in the library?

Like, at a table while reading the newspaper?

No?

I didn't think so either. I don't want to accidently touch one of your spittle flecks that went flying every which way.

No wonder there's so much crime out there. People have a really hard time understand the difference between legal and illegal!

Patron: You got a Green Lantern Dvd?
Librarian: No, that's still in theaters.
Patron: Not even a bootleg copy?
Librarian: Sir, those are illegal.
Patron: Okay, I tell you what. I get a bootleg copy and I make a bunch of copies and I give them to the library!   

I've had to ask people to keep their voices down, especially on their cell phones, and I've had to ask people to turn their MP3 players down because they're so loud that I can hear them, but until yesterday, I'd never had to ask someone to turn off their white noise machine. The ocean sounds were lovely, but they were bothering other patrons.

I'd feel threatened if I weren't laughing so hard

Patron: If you cut your hair again, I'm gonna break your face!
Librarian: Wha...what?
Patron: I really like slim jims. Don't cut your hair anymore, my Momma corn-row it for you. 

That last part was rapped, by the way.  

Some people have real problems

If you try to upload a picture of your penis to the computer, you should not ask library staff for help.

Amazing Names

O.K. forget Thursday.

If your last name begins with "L," you should not name your daughter Genita.

Genita L.

Cruelty. Seriously.

I'm going to call everyone when I get home so that you know that I got there safely

Patron: Can I see your collection of books bound in human skin?

Turns out, it's an O.K. question. Many libraries have books bound in human skin in their special collections.

You tell 'em, Old man

Today I overheard an extra fun tidbit in the library today. There are two old men who come in everyday and everyone in the neighborhood knows them. The first one, actually, is known by everyone in the whole city because he is an eccentric lunatic with a list of priors that include things like "menacing." He likes to talk big and meaningful, but I learned from someone else in the hood that he has never had a job and lives off of a trust fund. The second one just says funny things occasionally and is generally good natured.

First old guy:  The students at ::Local:: University don't know Shakespeare! Or Philosophy! They should ban alcohol there and become a dry campus!
Other Old Guy: College without beer is like sausage without sauerkraut. Who wants that?

Amazing Names Thursday

Our son is going to be so full of life! Let's call him Spiritson!

I think you wanted the KKK meeting

Patron on the phone: I'm interested in the program you're having this Saturday, hosted by the housing authority.
Me on the phone: Yes, the one about accomodating your properties for Section 8?
Patron: Yeah. Are they going to be talking about how to keep black  people out of your buildings?

It's part of training.

Patron: When you guys get hired here, do you have to learn Shoalin-Monk-Kun-Fu?

I totally said, "yes."

Everyone, get your aluminum foil helmets on...

Patron: I'm sorry I can't come to your branch anymore. There is too much electro-magnetic contamination.

Amazing Names Thursday

It's Thursday, people

Ja'sin.


what a bad ass.

You took the words right outta my mouth

Patron: I need a lot of helping getting some some books. I need a beginner's book of yoga, a biography of Abraham Lincoln, a book of watercolor landscapes....


and so on...


Patron: I'm so sorry I'm wasting your time. 
Me: No, it's my job.


and so on....

25 requests later:
 
Patron: Can I do something for you? Can I call your supervisor and say nice things? Can I buy you a cup of coffee?
Me: Your taxes pay for me to be here and do this for you. Really. Just keep coming back. That's all
Patron: Wow. Thanks.   


Next Patron in line: Man, did that guy wanna pee in your mouth or what?

Would you like fries with that?

Patron: So you guys are really gonna go ahead with building that new library over on the east side?
Me: Yep. It's gonna happen.
Patron: That's a shame.
Me: Whu...why?
Patron: Look at all the nut jobs in here. You think the people in that neighborhood want these people hanging out around there? You guys are like McDonald's. You destroy the fabric of the neighborhood.   

Amazing Names Thursday

Messiah. I don't know what to say about that. I mean, people name their kid Jesus all the time, but that's just a regular ole name.