All brain functions must cease...

when it is the opening day for your hometown baseball team.

dude on the phone: i've got all these movies checked out, and it's opening day and i just don't know what to do. i don't think i can watch them at all today.

children's librarian who unfortunately did not let the phone go to voicemail*: i could just renew them for you.

dude: REALLY!?!?! you can do that?!?!?! that would be so great, because i just won't get around to watching them today. i mean, it's opening day. i didn't know what to do.

* we never let the phone go to voicemail. we would get bad reviews and no raises if we didn't make every effort to pick up the phone. really and truly.

You're borrowing that kid? Did you check him out like a book?

A man walks into the library with 6 kids, all of which are calling him "Dad." 3 have blonde hair, 2 are Asian and one is black. 

A woman approaches him and smiles and says, "Wow! Are all of these kids yours?" 

man: "No, actually, just these 3 here" ::points to blonde kids:: 

"and we bought these" 2 ::points to Asian girls:: 

"and we're renting this one" ::black kid waves at woman and smiles, then quickly loses interest and comes to ask me questions about lizards::

and the parent of the year award goes to...

Woman I've Never Seen Before: You have really pretty eye make up. 

Me: Thank You. ::as people say this to me often::

WINSB: When is your birthday?

Me: ::ALERT! ALERT! Here is when things get weird:: November 2nd

WINSB: I was just gonna say...cuz everyone should wear really nice make up on their birthday.

Machines can laugh at people. Did you know that?

Gentleman - white gold teeth, oversized hooded sweatshirt with lame guns, oversized crispy baseball  cap on sideways : I wanna print some shit

Book girl - pants too baggy from too much dieting, but unable to afford to buy new pants because of buying too many boxes of 100 calorie packs: ok, what would you like to print?

Gentleman: my confirmation email from wal-mart.com so I can go pick my shit up. they don't give you the shit at the store you buy online unless you got the email.

Book girl: ok, it'll be fifteen cents to print that out.

Gentleman: yeah, I put twenty cents in the machine and it just laughed at me

Book girl: machine?

Gentleman: that machine ::points to copy machine::

Book girl: right, I'll just print it for you at the circulation desk. ::prints purchase confirmation email from wal-mart.com for TEN COUCHES::

Remember the towers in the show The Wire? and how everyone used to sit on a ratty, old couch in the yard to watch what was going on? This is immediately what I thought of, only, you wouldn't want to waste a brand new couch for that, now would you?

Dain Bramage

Patron: I can't pay my late fines because I had a stroke

Me: O.K., that's fine. Do you have a hospital bill or documentation stating that you were in the hospital when your items were due?

Patron: No, the stroke was several years ago, and I have brain damage from it, so I can't remember to bring my things back on time.

Me: You're responsible for everything you check out with your library card, just like you're responsible for everything you buy with a credit card

Patron: Even if I get social security?