Did you see the guy that peed in the corner? THAT'S why I don't trust anyone

When patrons return CDs and DVDs, we open the cases to make sure the discs are there. Duh. Otherwise, every other case on the shelf would be empty. Yesterday, a woman returned the maximum amount of DVDs that you are allowed to check out, in, so I opened each one before I scanned it to make sure they were in there.

Patron: It's an insult to my intelligence that you're checking those. You should have a little more faith in us. 

Sure enough, one was empty.

Just act surprised...

Patron on the phone: We just got a notice that my husband's books are overdue, but he's out of town. Can I renew them for him?
Me: Sure , no problem. Okay, looks like there's just one thing overdue, How to Change Someone You Love
 ::reality of book title sets in::
So, um, I'll renew that for you! Thanks! Bye!
 

An ice cold slap in the face, Mamma

Man who thought I was an Eskimo: Have you seen Amy, the security guard?
Me: No.
Man: I have a gift for her?
Me: Really? What is it?
Man: It is a surprise. You'll ruin it.
Me: You can leave it here and I'll give it to her. 
Man: It has to be kept in the refrigerator.
Me: Um, ok, then where is it now?
Man: My pants.       

I said I'd look up the directions to Taco Bell for you. I didn't say I'd be your BFF

I now have my very own version of this guy.

Patron: Did you do something different?
Me: No
Patron: Did you get new glasses?
Me: Last year.
Patron: You dyed your hair.
Me: I'm growing my hair color out for my wedding.
Patron: You cut your hair.
Me: Again, growing it out for the wedding
Patron: You got new shampoo?
Me: No.
Patron: It's just naturally beautiful?
Me: Sure
Patron: Will you tell me all your secrets?           

Amazing Names #14

Oh hey, Bzone! How's it goin'?

Some people just aren't the same after you learn something about them

Does it please anyone else as much as it pleases me to know that one of the "higher ups" here at the library eats spaghettios everyday for lunch?

It pleases me A LOT.

It did not help that when I first looked at the can they were dumping into a tupperware, I thought it said, "Spaghetto," and I actually told them that.

Me: Ha ha! I thought that said, "Spaghetto!" What do you think would be in a can of "Spaghetto," anyway? Hypodermic needles in meth sauce?
Higher Up: ::blank, disapproving stare::

I work too much. 

Hint: This is not the way to pick up women

Patron: Puke on the Steelers. Are you single?