I'll be on the lookout for you. Thanks for the warning.

Protip: When confronted with the knowledge that you owe $3 in late fines on one item, the appropriate response is not, "Well, I'm just gonna come down there and steal some shit."

I think you might have bigger problems that you realize

Patron: What kind of foods have a lot of fiber?
Librarian: Pretty much everything has a small amount, but some have a lot more than others. Mostly plant based foods.
Patron: So butter has fiber in it?
Librarian: Um. No.
Patron: What about cheese and meatballs?  

Whose job is it to sit around and speculate this stuff?

Patron: You know the 30 pieces of silver Judas was paid to betray Jesus? How much is that in today's money?

Not only did Google provide our librarian with a plethora of sites that answered that question, but it finished her question for her as she was asking it!

The answer might be $950...or possibly $5,000. You need to define, "piece."

for you? or your "friend"

patron on phone: Are there any independent labs in town that test liquids for parasites?

Is it hygienically appropriate to floss in the library?

Like, at a table while reading the newspaper?

No?

I didn't think so either. I don't want to accidently touch one of your spittle flecks that went flying every which way.

No wonder there's so much crime out there. People have a really hard time understand the difference between legal and illegal!

Patron: You got a Green Lantern Dvd?
Librarian: No, that's still in theaters.
Patron: Not even a bootleg copy?
Librarian: Sir, those are illegal.
Patron: Okay, I tell you what. I get a bootleg copy and I make a bunch of copies and I give them to the library!   

I've had to ask people to keep their voices down, especially on their cell phones, and I've had to ask people to turn their MP3 players down because they're so loud that I can hear them, but until yesterday, I'd never had to ask someone to turn off their white noise machine. The ocean sounds were lovely, but they were bothering other patrons.

I'd feel threatened if I weren't laughing so hard

Patron: If you cut your hair again, I'm gonna break your face!
Librarian: Wha...what?
Patron: I really like slim jims. Don't cut your hair anymore, my Momma corn-row it for you. 

That last part was rapped, by the way.  

Some people have real problems

If you try to upload a picture of your penis to the computer, you should not ask library staff for help.

Amazing Names

O.K. forget Thursday.

If your last name begins with "L," you should not name your daughter Genita.

Genita L.

Cruelty. Seriously.