Today I overheard an extra fun tidbit in the library today. There are two old men who come in everyday and everyone in the neighborhood knows them. The first one, actually, is known by everyone in the whole city because he is an eccentric lunatic with a list of priors that include things like "menacing." He likes to talk big and meaningful, but I learned from someone else in the hood that he has never had a job and lives off of a trust fund. The second one just says funny things occasionally and is generally good natured.
First old guy:The students at ::Local:: University don't know Shakespeare! Or Philosophy! They should ban alcohol there and become a dry campus! Other Old Guy: College without beer is like sausage without sauerkraut. Who wants that?
Patron on the phone: I'm interested in the program you're having this Saturday, hosted by the housing authority. Me on the phone: Yes, the one about accomodating your properties for Section 8? Patron: Yeah. Are they going to be talking about how to keep blackpeople out of your buildings?
Patron: I need a lot of helping getting some some books. I need a beginner's book of yoga, a biography of Abraham Lincoln, a book of watercolor landscapes....
and so on...
Patron: I'm so sorry I'm wasting your time. Me: No, it's my job.
and so on....
25 requests later: Patron: Can I do something for you? Can I call your supervisor and say nice things? Can I buy you a cup of coffee? Me: Your taxes pay for me to be here and do this for you. Really. Just keep coming back. That's all Patron: Wow. Thanks.
Next Patron in line: Man, did that guy wanna pee in your mouth or what?
Patron: So you guys are really gonna go ahead with building that new library over on the east side? Me: Yep. It's gonna happen. Patron: That's a shame. Me: Whu...why? Patron: Look at all the nut jobs in here. You think the people in that neighborhood want these people hanging out around there? You guys are like McDonald's. You destroy the fabric of the neighborhood.
Patron: Can you verify some information for me by looking in the old census reports? Me: Sure! Patron: O.K. can you look up Joe Schmo, who was born in 1883 in this certain county in Pennsylvania, and his wife was Susie Schmo and they had two kids name Rod and Todd? Me: Yep! That's exactly was the census says here! Patron: O.K. great. Now, does it say anything about all of the children he had with his secret, Italian wife?
Patron: I want to do some genealogy research on my Grandma. Librarian: O.K., what was her name? Patron: Grandma Librarian: Ha ha. Of course. What was her first and last name? Patron: What? How am I supposed to know? No one know their Grandma's name.
Sweaty man is a legend. I've been working for the library for some time now, and I've been hearing about sweaty man my whole career. I figured he was just an urban legend. Someone Grandpa used to teach me a moral. He was sweaty...and an a complete and utter a-hole. My friend says she saw sweaty man once, and then saw him at a liquor store about 5 miles away. He's probably all sweaty because he walks such a far distance. He's lewd, crude and rude. He demands the kind of customer service that you just don't get from people who get paychecks from the state. He chats on fetish websites.
I SAW SWEATY MAN WITH MY OWN TWO EYES YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!
He was sweaty. He dripped sweat on our nice tile floors. He was dick. It was everything he could have been.
27 followers! I've had this blog for 2 years now. Thanks, y'all. Two gals who've been following my blog since ::roughly:: the beginning are biscuit and dainty squid Thanks, lassies.
Today it was raining cats and dogs when the library closed. A curmudgeonly old man, who, daily, tells a joke about a local university and naked pussies, said to me, "you're gonna turn an old man out into this weather?" and I said, "I'd be glad to."
Mr. ICantPayMyFine's Father died this past week , so that's where I've been instead. It blows. I'm not sure what his favorite book was, but I wish I'd asked. Thanks for hanging in there.
Did any of you read Catcher in the Rye in high school/college? I'm sure 90% of you did. Remember when Holden says "who wants flowers when you're dead?" I remembered. I didn't buy flowers. Lemme tell you something: they're not for you. They're for everyone else there watching and sitting and waiting. I might go read that book again.
In other news, if you're starting school in the next 4 weeks and you haven't started your summer reading project yet, your teacher might just plain give you an "F," and I'll give you a smirk that says, "yes, I would like fries with that."
Patron:Excuse me Sir, do you know what time this library closes? ::gently taps him on the shoulder:: Other Patron: NO PHYSICAL CONTACT! NO COPS! NO SEXUAL HARRASMENT! THEY'RE WATCHING ME! THE ARABS AND THE JEWS AND THE LIBRARIANS!
Paisley is just plain cute. I had to post it, even though it wasn't particularly funny. The biggest reason I considered not posting it is because her last name makes for something from a Tom Robbins novel. Sorry I don't post full names on here.It always kills me when I can't.
I officially got to kick someone out of the library for the first time ever!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!
If you are an over weight, toothless 70 year old man, you have no business following a teenage boy. Just because I told you to leave him alone, this does not mean that you can then move on to following a 4 year old girl in a princess outfit. It means I will remove you from the building. HA!
Patron: How can you stand working here? Don't you just want to check out and take home every book you see? Me: Totally! I'm pretty sure our circulation statistics are all based on what the employees have at home! Patron: At least you don't have a gambling addiction. I mean, you can't take your family to a casino.
Thanks to all my readers! I don't even know most of you! Thanks for coming to the public library and asking questions, either good, bad, or just plain retarded. Thanks for letting me help you with your science project and thanks for flushing a copy of The Da Vinci Code down the toilet. Keep it comin'.
Patron: Y'all got that movie where Sandra Bullock adopts a black guy?
She was, of course, referring to the newly released "Blind Side," in which a woman portrayed by Sandra Bullock adopts a black teenager into her home, but since this patron was making it sound like Sandra Bullock herself went to an orphanage and took home a 35 year old man, I said: Me: I don't think so.
I seriously considered not posting this one, because who the hell would believe any ass-hole on crack would name a kid Aquanetta. One co-worker, who knows about this blog, told me I should, because she and her husband went to school with an Aquanette, so it's really not that uncommon.
Patron:I am calling to complain about an employee. Librarian: Ok Patron: This particular employee does not call my friend by his proper title, which 'Doctor" Librarian: Does this particular patron know that this particular patron is a doctor? Patron: No.
Did any of you in Iowa see that giant fire ball meteor last night? I wish I had. All I saw last night was a little girl named Star Comet. First name Star, middle name Comet. Here's the kicker - her last name went right along with the theme Mom and Dad were going for.
I have two kitties. One is named after the Mister's favorite mathematician and mine is named after an infamous politician.
We live in the attic of a 118 year old house.
I love all things vintage, and feel really guilty when I shop at Target. Damn Target for having REALLY CUTE STUFF.
My favorite food is guacamole. My favorite guacamole is the kind I make myself. If I am too impatient to let avocados ripen on their own, I buy it from Chipotle, which comes in at a distant second. Who wants my recipe?
I have been known to eat cheesecake for breakfast. But only once. And by once, I mean, like, 4 times in the past month.
I would be a vegan if cheese were not so good.
I would be a vegetarian if bacon were not so good.
I would really healthy if bacon and cheese were not so good. Also, if I did not eat cheesecake for breakfast so often.
On our first date, the Mister and I got our napes pierced. It was love.
I got my first pedicure last month. I am hooked and I am not looking back.
I wish Sarah Vowell narrated my life. Her stories on NPR crack me up because her delivery and tone is so sarcastic. And generally awesome.
I wear SPF 70 sunscreen on my face, arms, and legs every day. I am 10% paranoid about cancer and 90% paranoid about wrinkles. Finding foundation powder to match my pale force is really difficult.
One book I have always meant to read is Moby Dick. I do not know why I never have. It is my Mom's fave.
It's called "Interpretting the Masters" and it is all Hall and Oates covers and OH MY GOD IT ROCKS MY SOCKS OFF SO HARD I PRETTY MUCH PEE IN MY PANTS EVERY TIME I HEAR IT. I had no idea how much of an emtional influence Daryl Hall and John Oates had on my childhood and then how much of an influence The Bird and the Bee are having on my formative adolesence until these two minds decided to get married (with the proposal coming from the Bird and the Bee.)
Ugh. I checked it out from my local library. Go ask yours if they have it. If they don't, please buy it, rip it onto your computer and then donate the hard copy to your library. Please.
Did anyone read my last post about Shearluck Homeless and the Chippunks? Everytime someone else asks for one of these and actually pronounces them correctly, I accidentilly type in the wrong spelling because I keep saying it the goofy way in my head. A few summers ago, someone pointed to Twilight by Stephenie Meyers and asked me for "Twiglit," and I've thus refered to it as such ever since.
This was one of those moments when I have never been more grateful to have had a witness. I could not believe the absurdity that came out of this woman's mouth. She was upset that she had to pay a fine and this is what she said to me: Patron: I hope I don't get resentful over this because I'm an alcoholic and when I can't drink I get resentful and when I get resentful I go turn tricks on Main St. for $3.
The part I couldn't get over the most was the $3 part. Really? That's it? She was about 55 years old, so that probably had something to do with her reduced price.
In case you're curious, I did not visit the library in Key West while there drinking rum, lying on the beach, petting Ernest Hemingway's grand-cats and eating key lime pie. I'm sure it's a cute library.
Anywho, plenty of fun moral dismemberment went on while I was gone. Librarian: Mam, if you're waiting to use a computer, you cannot lean over everyone else's computer while they use them. Patron: I'm just waitin' for my friend to be done. Librarian: Then you need to wait somewhere else
patron does not move, but just keeps looking at everyone else's computer screen. Poor, Children's librarian is looking her, not sure what else to say to this girl to make her understand. She then told the girl that she needed to leave the building when the girl finally said to her: Patron: Bitch, if you keep starin' at me, Ima go off!
Mr. ICantPayMyFines and I are making it official after six long-ass years. We'll be gone for a couple of weeks while we tie a knot or two and drink some well deserved libations. I've been eating pineapple for the past month and a half trying to squeeze my fat ass into a tiny wedding dress.
We have a computer class for senior citizens. It's extra cute. They have sugar free cookies and decaf coffee and make jokes with eachother about how proud their kids are of them for finally taking a computer class. Most of them do not know how to even use a mouse when they get here.
Yesterday we had one such class and there was a woman that seemed a little out of it. She was nice, thanked the teacher at the end, and didn't seem out of the ordinary otherwise. She called about a half an hour later and said: Patron: I can't take the class anymore. I was very disturbed in my mind the whole time.
If you don't work at the library, no expects you to know and use all the library and literary jargen, as you might have guessed from my previous post. Another hilarious example happened today that had me blinking before I could answer. A woman came up to the circulation desk and said:
Patron: Is this the circulatory system? Me: Um, yes. Yes, it is.
Mom: My daughter has to write a bibliography about a famous person. Daughter: A biography, Mom.
Mom looks at daughter like it's cute that she's using the wrong word, even though it sounds similar. Daughter looks at Mom like she crawled out of the primordial soup just this morning. They both roll their eyes at eachother.
Mom: Like I said, she needs to write a bibliography about a famous person. Ooh! Look, honey! A book about Hannah Montana!
When patrons return CDs and DVDs, we open the cases to make sure the discs are there. Duh. Otherwise, every other case on the shelf would be empty. Yesterday, a woman returned the maximum amount of DVDs that you are allowed to check out, in, so I opened each one before I scanned it to make sure they were in there.
Patron: It's an insult to my intelligence that you're checking those. You should have a little more faith in us.
Patron on the phone: We just got a notice that my husband's books are overdue, but he's out of town. Can I renew them for him? Me: Sure , no problem. Okay, looks like there's just one thing overdue, How to Change Someone You Love ::reality of book title sets in:: So, um, I'll renew that for you! Thanks! Bye!
Man who thought I was an Eskimo: Have you seen Amy, the security guard? Me: No. Man: I have a gift for her? Me: Really? What is it? Man: It is a surprise. You'll ruin it. Me: You can leave it here and I'll give it to her. Man: It has to be kept in the refrigerator. Me: Um, ok, then where is it now? Man: My pants.
Patron: Did you do something different? Me: No Patron: Did you get new glasses? Me: Last year. Patron: You dyed your hair. Me: I'm growing my hair color out for my wedding. Patron: You cut your hair. Me: Again, growing it out for the wedding Patron: You got new shampoo? Me: No. Patron: It's just naturally beautiful? Me: Sure Patron: Will you tell me all your secrets?
w00t! I made a blog button!!! It is so very exciting. Please share it with all of your friends.
And so that this post has something to sort of due with the library, I will share a book recommendation. Free for All by Don Borchert. If you thought the things you read in this blog were unbelievable, wait until you read this guy's book. He'll back me up. Wait until you read about what he found in the book drop one morning before opening.
Patron: Mam, could you hold these books for me? I hurt my shoulder. Librarian: I'm so sorry to hear that, Sir. How did you hurt yourself? Patron: Playing tug-o-war. I'd like to play tug-o-war with you. I'll have to get my snake outta the way though.
So, I apologize on the behalf of all library staff everywhere. If we don't ask you how you're doing, it's because we usually get responses like this.
I don't watch TV because I get all the entertainment I need at work. You'll never know my name, where this library where I work is located, or anything else connecting this blog to the real world in order to protect a patron's right to privacy. Some things are just too funny to not share, so I use this blog as an outlet. If you somehow figure out who or where I am, please keep it to yourself.