have you guys heard the new Bird and the Bee album?

It's called "Interpretting the Masters" and it is all Hall and Oates covers and OH MY GOD IT ROCKS MY SOCKS OFF SO HARD I PRETTY MUCH PEE IN MY PANTS EVERY TIME I HEAR IT. I had no idea how much of an emtional influence Daryl Hall and John Oates had on my childhood and then how much of an influence The Bird and the Bee are having on my formative adolesence until these two minds decided to get married (with the proposal coming from the Bird and the Bee.)

Ugh. I checked it out from my local library. Go ask yours if they have it. If they don't, please buy it, rip it onto your computer and then donate the hard copy to your library. Please.

Did anyone read my last post about Shearluck Homeless and the Chippunks? Everytime someone else asks for one of these and actually pronounces them correctly, I accidentilly type in the wrong spelling because I keep saying it the goofy way in my head. A few summers ago, someone pointed to Twilight by Stephenie Meyers and asked me for "Twiglit," and I've thus refered to it as such ever since.

If you're just guessing, then "no" we don't have those.

Patron: Did you get the new movies that came out today? I am looking for Shear-luck Homeless and the Chippunks. 
Librarian: Do you mean Sherlock Holmes and Alvin and the Chipmunks?
Patron: I guess 

Where do you sign up for one of those?

5 Year Old Patron: We are going to Phoenix for Spring Break.
Librarian: Do you have a friend in Phoenix?
Patron: No, actually, I have a Fairy Godmother there. 

When exactly did your history book give you as a cut off date?

Patron: I'd like a movie that I could watch with my Mom.
Librarian: Here is Atonement. It's pretty good. It's set during WWII.
Patron: No thanks. I don't movies about ancient times.  

Would it have been so hard to ask?

Patron: I'm looking for books about 3-D

Librarian does a catalogue search for books about 3-D and comes up with several dozen items about graphic design, optical illusions, etc, and hands them to the patron.


Patron: I meant geometry.

It would cost you more to just drive down town!

This was one of those moments when I have never been more grateful to have had a witness. I could not believe the absurdity that came out of this woman's mouth. She was upset that she had to pay a fine and this is what she said to me:
Patron: I hope I don't get resentful over this because I'm an alcoholic and when I can't drink I get resentful and when I get resentful I go turn tricks on Main St. for $3.

The part I couldn't get over the most was the $3 part. Really? That's it? She was about 55 years old, so that probably had something to do with her reduced price. 

define "go off"

the weddin' was super duper, thanks-fer-askin'.

In case you're curious, I did not visit the library in Key West while there drinking rum, lying on the beach, petting Ernest Hemingway's grand-cats and eating key lime pie. I'm sure it's a cute library.

Anywho, plenty of fun moral dismemberment went on while I was gone.
Librarian: Mam, if you're waiting to use a computer, you cannot lean over everyone else's computer while they use them. 
Patron: I'm just waitin' for my friend to be done.
Librarian: Then you need to wait somewhere else

patron does not move, but just keeps looking at everyone else's computer screen. Poor, Children's librarian is looking her, not sure what else to say to this girl to make her understand. She then told the girl that she needed to leave the building when the girl finally said to her:
Patron: Bitch, if you keep starin' at me, Ima go off!