Overheard in the lobby

Librarian: Well, I guess it isn't Chrismtas until someone finds Mr. Smith in his Santa outfit, sleeping in the utility closet, in his own vomit.

Amazing Names Thursday #12

And a Merry Christmas to you, too, Strawberry

This post started out as one thing, but ended up as another

Last Saturday, a woman came into the library with the longest fingernails I have ever seen. I know there are people out there in the Guinness Book of World Records with nails over a foot long, and I've seen pictures of them, but this woman had nails that were about 9 inches long. It was really alarming. I saw her walking on the sidewalk from inside, and just as I was trying to alert my co-workers to look at her, she was gingerly sliding the nails through the door handle to get it open. She sat down at a computer, and then realized she needed an employee to sign her on. She waved the nails in the air and said to one of my co-workers, "come here, young man." He logged her onto the internet, and then we couldn't help but watch her type. She had to hold her hands almost up to her face as she typed with her nails. One person who walked by her gasped out loud.

So I tried to do a google image search for long fingernails to give you guys a visual for what we experienced. Instead, I'll let you guys see what comes up on most of the pages when you google image seach for "long fingernails."

Who knows what he was actually thinking

I painted my nails red for the holiday season because it was ya know, festive. Instead, an otherwise very normal looking patron thought this:

Patron: Your nails look like candy! I just wanna eat'um! Om nom nom! ::while licking his lips and staring a little too starry-eyed at my hands::

Amazing Names Thursday #11

Does anyone remember that Weekend Update episode where Tracy Morgan made an appearance to give a public service announcement about people giving kids ridiculous names, like naming them after events? He ended the segment by saying "Good night Promisha, Daddy loves you!"

Well, I don't know what happened here, but it was something cosmic.

Starlisha

Librarian: How is soccer going?
3 year old Patron: I like it O.K., but I really just want to paint all day.

This was so cute that I almost forgot that a 300 lb. man who smelled like he took a bath in patchouli peed in one of the computer chairs. Almost.

Well, that was a first.

Something happened to me yesterday that I bet has never happened in that library before, and I bet will never happen again.

The F.B.I. came.

Well, one representative of the F.B.I.

I was at the circulation desk minding my own business, when a man walked in, pulled a leather card-holder-badge-thingie out from inside his long coat, flipped it open with one hand and I saw the all too familiar (from watching the X-files) three letters that mean serious business. He said he needed to interview a witness in a neutral meeting place, and could he please use the library.

Librarian: Um. Um. Um. Sure! ::sounding a little too excited::

They sat down in the children's department, since it was the middle of the day and they (the children) were all at school (except the ones skipping school, and they were all in the computer room gettin' their Chris Hansen bait on in Urbanchat.com). It was HILARIOUS to see the officer in a business suit and his witness in a mechanic's jumpsuit sitting at a tiny little table with their knees up to their chin. I made it official that a project absolutely had to be done in the children's department or else I would get fired. Unfortunatly, I didn't overhear anything. It probably had to do with a case of stolen Christmas cookies or something.

Amazing Names #10

"Hey, guess what, X'zayveeyar and Phyctee? You have a new baby brother! His name is Que'vuen. We'll pronounce it 'Kevin.'"

The idiots at the library aren't just the patrons.

Patron: Hey, you know that guy that works here? I think his name is Joe? Well, I just saw him on the news! They were interviewing him about something!
Library Employee: That's impossible. He's here right now.

Did I tell you guys about the dwarf man who is married to a toothless, mentally retarded woman?

Oh, I didn't?

Hey, guess what you guys? There is a dwarf man married to a toothless, mentally retarded woman. At first I thought maybe they were siblings, or maybe he was her care-taker, but he calls her sweetheart and helps her pick out movies while they hold hands. Weird. Seriously. Freak show material for sure.

Amazing Names Thursday #9

Femal'e

I can't write anything about this, because there are no words.

T.M.I.

Librarian: You're here awfully early today Mr. Smith.
Mr. Smith (a patron who comes in every day after work to read the newspaper): Yeah, I got off about an hour ago. They let us out early today.
Librarian: Lucky, I don't get off for another 20 minutes.
Homeless Patron: I just got off 5 seconds ago in y'alls bathroom.