I'm going to call everyone when I get home so that you know that I got there safely

Patron: Can I see your collection of books bound in human skin?

Turns out, it's an O.K. question. Many libraries have books bound in human skin in their special collections.

You tell 'em, Old man

Today I overheard an extra fun tidbit in the library today. There are two old men who come in everyday and everyone in the neighborhood knows them. The first one, actually, is known by everyone in the whole city because he is an eccentric lunatic with a list of priors that include things like "menacing." He likes to talk big and meaningful, but I learned from someone else in the hood that he has never had a job and lives off of a trust fund. The second one just says funny things occasionally and is generally good natured.

First old guy:  The students at ::Local:: University don't know Shakespeare! Or Philosophy! They should ban alcohol there and become a dry campus!
Other Old Guy: College without beer is like sausage without sauerkraut. Who wants that?

Amazing Names Thursday

Our son is going to be so full of life! Let's call him Spiritson!

I think you wanted the KKK meeting

Patron on the phone: I'm interested in the program you're having this Saturday, hosted by the housing authority.
Me on the phone: Yes, the one about accomodating your properties for Section 8?
Patron: Yeah. Are they going to be talking about how to keep black  people out of your buildings?

It's part of training.

Patron: When you guys get hired here, do you have to learn Shoalin-Monk-Kun-Fu?

I totally said, "yes."

Everyone, get your aluminum foil helmets on...

Patron: I'm sorry I can't come to your branch anymore. There is too much electro-magnetic contamination.

Amazing Names Thursday

It's Thursday, people

Ja'sin.


what a bad ass.

You took the words right outta my mouth

Patron: I need a lot of helping getting some some books. I need a beginner's book of yoga, a biography of Abraham Lincoln, a book of watercolor landscapes....


and so on...


Patron: I'm so sorry I'm wasting your time. 
Me: No, it's my job.


and so on....

25 requests later:
 
Patron: Can I do something for you? Can I call your supervisor and say nice things? Can I buy you a cup of coffee?
Me: Your taxes pay for me to be here and do this for you. Really. Just keep coming back. That's all
Patron: Wow. Thanks.   


Next Patron in line: Man, did that guy wanna pee in your mouth or what?

Would you like fries with that?

Patron: So you guys are really gonna go ahead with building that new library over on the east side?
Me: Yep. It's gonna happen.
Patron: That's a shame.
Me: Whu...why?
Patron: Look at all the nut jobs in here. You think the people in that neighborhood want these people hanging out around there? You guys are like McDonald's. You destroy the fabric of the neighborhood.   

Amazing Names Thursday

Messiah. I don't know what to say about that. I mean, people name their kid Jesus all the time, but that's just a regular ole name.

Hence the term "secret"

Patron: Can you verify some information for me by looking in the old census reports?
Me: Sure!
Patron: O.K. can you look up Joe Schmo, who was born in 1883 in this certain county in Pennsylvania, and his wife was Susie Schmo and they had two kids name Rod and Todd?
Me: Yep! That's exactly was the census says here!
Patron: O.K. great. Now, does it say anything about all of the children he had with his secret, Italian wife?   

Don't try this at work...

a sexy librarian photo shoot gone horribly awry.

I'm sorry, my bad.

Patron: I want to do some genealogy research on my Grandma.
Librarian: O.K., what was her name?
Patron: Grandma
Librarian: Ha ha. Of course. What was her first and last name?
Patron: What? How am I supposed to know? No one know their Grandma's name.   
 

Beware the sweaty man

Sweaty man is a legend. I've been working for the library for some time now, and I've been hearing about sweaty man my whole career. I figured he was just an urban legend. Someone Grandpa used to teach me a moral. He was sweaty...and an a complete and utter a-hole. My friend says she saw sweaty man once, and then saw him at a liquor store about 5 miles away. He's probably all sweaty because he walks such a far distance. He's lewd, crude and rude. He demands the kind of customer service that you just don't get from people who get paychecks from the state. He chats on fetish websites.

Well,

I SAW SWEATY MAN WITH MY OWN TWO EYES YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!

He was sweaty. He dripped sweat on our nice tile floors. He was dick. It was everything he could have been.


I can't wait to tell my grandkids.

Amazing Names Thursday

Altronic

What?

A google search for "Altronic" turns up a bunch of engineering crap.

If machines are capable of lying to us at this point, what's next?

Patron: I got a notice that I owe you $6.
Librarian: Yes, according to the computer here, you returned a movie very late.
Patron: Well, that punk-ass bitch is lying to you. 

I've already asked too much

Patron: O.K. I am wantin' to write a book and I wanna do some research. 
Librarian: O.K. what can I find for you?
Patron: Um, so do y'all got any, like, sex books?

wOW!

27 followers! I've had this blog for 2 years now. Thanks, y'all. Two gals who've been following my blog since ::roughly:: the beginning are biscuit and dainty squid Thanks, lassies.

Today it was raining cats and dogs when the library closed. A curmudgeonly old man, who, daily, tells a joke about a local university and naked pussies, said to me, "you're gonna turn an old man out into this weather?" and I said, "I'd be glad to."

A good way to be reported to human resources

Patron: Where's y'alls movies at?
Librarian: Preposition Street.

On second thought...

Patron: Dang, lady, you got a pretty lookin' sistah?

I think about this for about 2 seconds. This is the man who just asked, "what do I gotta plug in to be on wireless?"

Me: No

Sisters, you're welcome.

ooh, wow

Mr. ICantPayMyFine's Father died this past week , so that's where I've been instead. It blows. I'm not sure what his favorite book was, but I wish I'd asked. Thanks for hanging in there.

Did any of you read Catcher in the Rye in high school/college? I'm sure 90% of you did. Remember when Holden says "who wants flowers when you're dead?" I remembered. I didn't buy flowers. Lemme tell you something: they're not for you. They're for everyone else there watching and sitting and waiting. I might go read that book again.

In other news, if you're starting school in the next 4 weeks and you haven't started your summer reading project yet, your teacher might just plain give you an "F," and I'll give you a smirk that says, "yes, I would like fries with that."

Touchy

Patron: Excuse me Sir, do you know what time this library closes? ::gently taps him on the shoulder::
Other Patron: NO PHYSICAL CONTACT! NO COPS! NO SEXUAL HARRASMENT! THEY'RE WATCHING ME! THE ARABS AND THE JEWS AND THE LIBRARIANS!

Amazing Names Thursday

What kind of horrible mother names their kid Vice?

Fear Not

One of our most troublesome patrons is in the slammer until July 9th, so we've had a little peace and quiet. I was actually yearning for some decent blog material, and storytime didn't fail me.

4 year old patron: May I please have another sticker?
Me: What happened to the first one I gave you?
patron: I ate it. 

My new favorite website

go to your county or city sherrif's office web page.

type in the name of a friend or relative.

see what comes up.

be amused.

if you work in the library sector, type in the names of all your "favorite" patrons.

be extremely amused!!!!

So this man walks into the library...

with two cops in tow.

Cop: Which one of you hit this man?
Librarian: You mean which one of us slapped the table he was sleeping on to keep him from snoring?
Cop: You mean you interrupted my lunch break for that? 

Amazing Names Thursday

Paisley is just plain cute. I had to post it, even though it wasn't particularly funny. The biggest reason I considered not posting it is because her last name makes for something from a Tom Robbins novel. Sorry I don't post full names on here.It always kills me when I can't.

I have no idea if this patron was just testing me or not.

Patron on the phone: I've got a science question for ya! Just how far is it from Heaven to Earth?

Things I approve of

It is perfectly appropriate to breast feed your child in the bathroom of the library.

It is not appropriate to spray breast milk across the mirror.

At least, I hope that was breast milk...

accomplished

I officially got to kick someone out of the library for the first time ever!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!

If you are an over weight, toothless 70 year old man, you have no business following a teenage boy. Just because I told you to leave him alone, this does not mean that you can then move on to following a 4 year old girl in a princess outfit. It means I will remove you from the building. HA!

Patron: Can you help me reservate a computer?

yeah....at least....

Patron: How can you stand working here? Don't you just want to check out and take home every book you see?
Me: Totally! I'm pretty sure our circulation statistics are all based on what the employees have at home!
Patron: At least you don't have a gambling addiction. I mean, you can't take your family to a casino.
   

Amazing Names Thursday

Ok, so I didn't actually meet this person in the library, but I thought her name was pretty darn Special.

Special is a member of the Xavier University Women's Basketball team and she has sisters named Treasure and Wonderful.

I couldn't resist. Sorry I didn't actually meet her, just saw her on T.V. 

100th post!

Thanks to all my readers! I don't even know most of you! Thanks for coming to the public library and asking questions, either good, bad, or just plain retarded. Thanks for letting me help you with your science project and thanks for flushing a copy of The Da Vinci Code down the toilet. Keep it comin'.

aaaaaaand.....no

Patron: Y'all got that movie where Sandra Bullock adopts a black guy?

She was, of course, referring to the newly released "Blind Side," in which a woman portrayed by Sandra Bullock adopts a black teenager into her home, but since this patron was making it sound like Sandra Bullock herself went to an orphanage and took home a 35 year old man, I said:

Me: I don't think so.

Public service announcement

(Image: CuttingLibraries, a Creative Commons Attribution (2.0) image from daniel_solis's photostream)
(via A Whole Lotta Nothing)

Another case of not listening + poor schooling = miscommunication

Patron: Do you have the movie "The Women's?"
Librarian: The Women's? W-O-M-E-N-apostrophe-S?
Patron: Apocolypse? Who said anything about the apocolypse?  

Amazing Names Thursday

Oh, hey, no one told me that Lady Chablis adopted. I met her new daughter, Shardonay, yesterday.

Gee, thanks.

5-year-old, upon walking in the door: Aaaawwww, Mom! Not this library! I wanted to go to the really nice one.

Amazing Names Thursday

I seriously considered not posting this one, because who the hell would believe any ass-hole on crack would name a kid Aquanetta. One co-worker, who knows about this blog, told me I should, because she and her husband went to school with an Aquanette, so it's really not that uncommon.

So what is your complaint?

Patron: I am calling to complain about an employee.
Librarian: Ok
Patron: This particular employee does not call my friend by his proper title, which  'Doctor"
Librarian: Does this particular patron know that this particular patron is a doctor?
Patron: No. 

Amazing Names Thursday

Did any of you in Iowa see that giant fire ball meteor last night? I wish I had. All I saw last night was a little girl named Star Comet. First name Star, middle name Comet. Here's the kicker - her last name went right along with the theme Mom and Dad were going for.

tell her like it is, kid

Mom: C'mon, we're running late. Let's kick it into high gear.
4 year old: Mom, I am tired of kicking it into high gear!

A little about me without revealing too much

I have two kitties. One is named after the Mister's favorite mathematician and mine is named after an infamous politician.

We live in the attic of a 118 year old house.



I love all things vintage, and feel really guilty when I shop at Target. Damn Target for having REALLY CUTE STUFF.

My favorite food is guacamole. My favorite guacamole is the kind I make myself. If I am too impatient to let avocados ripen on their own, I buy it from Chipotle, which comes in at a distant second. Who wants my recipe?

I have been known to eat cheesecake for breakfast. But only once. And by once, I mean, like, 4 times in the past month.

I would be a vegan if cheese were not so good.

I would be a vegetarian if bacon were not so good.

I would really healthy if bacon and cheese were not so good. Also, if I did not eat cheesecake for breakfast so often.

On our first date, the Mister and I got our napes pierced. It was love.

I got my first pedicure last month. I am hooked and I am not looking back.

I wish Sarah Vowell narrated my life. Her stories on NPR crack me up because her delivery and tone is so sarcastic. And generally awesome.

I wear SPF 70 sunscreen on my face, arms, and legs every day. I am 10% paranoid about cancer and 90% paranoid about wrinkles. Finding foundation powder to match my pale force is really difficult.

One book I have always meant to read is Moby Dick. I do not know why I never have. It is my Mom's fave.

Amazing Names 16

Did you miss amazing names Thursday? Miss is like the deserts miss the rain? Miss it like Sativa missed the chance at a normal childhood?

have you guys heard the new Bird and the Bee album?

It's called "Interpretting the Masters" and it is all Hall and Oates covers and OH MY GOD IT ROCKS MY SOCKS OFF SO HARD I PRETTY MUCH PEE IN MY PANTS EVERY TIME I HEAR IT. I had no idea how much of an emtional influence Daryl Hall and John Oates had on my childhood and then how much of an influence The Bird and the Bee are having on my formative adolesence until these two minds decided to get married (with the proposal coming from the Bird and the Bee.)

Ugh. I checked it out from my local library. Go ask yours if they have it. If they don't, please buy it, rip it onto your computer and then donate the hard copy to your library. Please.

Did anyone read my last post about Shearluck Homeless and the Chippunks? Everytime someone else asks for one of these and actually pronounces them correctly, I accidentilly type in the wrong spelling because I keep saying it the goofy way in my head. A few summers ago, someone pointed to Twilight by Stephenie Meyers and asked me for "Twiglit," and I've thus refered to it as such ever since.

If you're just guessing, then "no" we don't have those.

Patron: Did you get the new movies that came out today? I am looking for Shear-luck Homeless and the Chippunks. 
Librarian: Do you mean Sherlock Holmes and Alvin and the Chipmunks?
Patron: I guess 

Where do you sign up for one of those?

5 Year Old Patron: We are going to Phoenix for Spring Break.
Librarian: Do you have a friend in Phoenix?
Patron: No, actually, I have a Fairy Godmother there. 

When exactly did your history book give you as a cut off date?

Patron: I'd like a movie that I could watch with my Mom.
Librarian: Here is Atonement. It's pretty good. It's set during WWII.
Patron: No thanks. I don't movies about ancient times.  

Would it have been so hard to ask?

Patron: I'm looking for books about 3-D

Librarian does a catalogue search for books about 3-D and comes up with several dozen items about graphic design, optical illusions, etc, and hands them to the patron.


Patron: I meant geometry.

It would cost you more to just drive down town!

This was one of those moments when I have never been more grateful to have had a witness. I could not believe the absurdity that came out of this woman's mouth. She was upset that she had to pay a fine and this is what she said to me:
Patron: I hope I don't get resentful over this because I'm an alcoholic and when I can't drink I get resentful and when I get resentful I go turn tricks on Main St. for $3.

The part I couldn't get over the most was the $3 part. Really? That's it? She was about 55 years old, so that probably had something to do with her reduced price. 

define "go off"

the weddin' was super duper, thanks-fer-askin'.

In case you're curious, I did not visit the library in Key West while there drinking rum, lying on the beach, petting Ernest Hemingway's grand-cats and eating key lime pie. I'm sure it's a cute library.

Anywho, plenty of fun moral dismemberment went on while I was gone.
Librarian: Mam, if you're waiting to use a computer, you cannot lean over everyone else's computer while they use them. 
Patron: I'm just waitin' for my friend to be done.
Librarian: Then you need to wait somewhere else

patron does not move, but just keeps looking at everyone else's computer screen. Poor, Children's librarian is looking her, not sure what else to say to this girl to make her understand. She then told the girl that she needed to leave the building when the girl finally said to her:
Patron: Bitch, if you keep starin' at me, Ima go off!

 

Let's all take a moment

for a little R&R.

Mr. ICantPayMyFines and I are making it official after six long-ass years. We'll be gone for a couple of weeks while we tie a knot or two and drink some well deserved libations. I've been eating pineapple for the past month and a half trying to squeeze my fat ass into a tiny wedding dress.

Love you all.

It was a good week here at this branch. Lots of good blogging material has come from it.

Patron: I need to renew this Deadwood DVD. Geez, never watch Deadwood when you're drunk. You'll never remember who stabbed who.
Librarian Words to live by. Thank you.

Isn't that a Pixie's lyric?

We have a computer class for senior citizens. It's extra cute. They have sugar free cookies and decaf coffee and make jokes with eachother about how proud their kids are of them for finally taking a computer class. Most of them do not know how to even use a mouse when they get here.

Yesterday we had one such class and there was a woman that seemed a little out of it. She was nice, thanked the teacher at the end, and didn't seem out of the ordinary otherwise. She called about a half an hour later and said:
Patron: I can't take the class anymore. I was very disturbed in my mind the whole time.

Amazing Names Thursday

Willie?
Willi?
Willy?
nope.
Wlee

Specifics don't really matter that much

If you don't work at the library, no expects you to know and use all the library and literary jargen, as you might have guessed from my previous post. Another hilarious example happened today that had me blinking before I could answer. A woman came up to the circulation desk and said:

Patron: Is this the circulatory system?
Me: Um, yes. Yes, it is.

Don't mind her, she doesn't know what she's talking about

Mom: My daughter has to write a bibliography about a famous person.
Daughter: A biography, Mom. 

Mom looks at daughter like it's cute that she's using the wrong word, even though it sounds similar. Daughter looks at Mom like she crawled out of the primordial soup just this morning. They both roll their eyes at eachother. 

Mom: Like I said, she needs to write a bibliography about a famous person. Ooh! Look, honey! A book about Hannah Montana! 

Did you see the guy that peed in the corner? THAT'S why I don't trust anyone

When patrons return CDs and DVDs, we open the cases to make sure the discs are there. Duh. Otherwise, every other case on the shelf would be empty. Yesterday, a woman returned the maximum amount of DVDs that you are allowed to check out, in, so I opened each one before I scanned it to make sure they were in there.

Patron: It's an insult to my intelligence that you're checking those. You should have a little more faith in us. 

Sure enough, one was empty.

Just act surprised...

Patron on the phone: We just got a notice that my husband's books are overdue, but he's out of town. Can I renew them for him?
Me: Sure , no problem. Okay, looks like there's just one thing overdue, How to Change Someone You Love
 ::reality of book title sets in::
So, um, I'll renew that for you! Thanks! Bye!
 

An ice cold slap in the face, Mamma

Man who thought I was an Eskimo: Have you seen Amy, the security guard?
Me: No.
Man: I have a gift for her?
Me: Really? What is it?
Man: It is a surprise. You'll ruin it.
Me: You can leave it here and I'll give it to her. 
Man: It has to be kept in the refrigerator.
Me: Um, ok, then where is it now?
Man: My pants.       

I said I'd look up the directions to Taco Bell for you. I didn't say I'd be your BFF

I now have my very own version of this guy.

Patron: Did you do something different?
Me: No
Patron: Did you get new glasses?
Me: Last year.
Patron: You dyed your hair.
Me: I'm growing my hair color out for my wedding.
Patron: You cut your hair.
Me: Again, growing it out for the wedding
Patron: You got new shampoo?
Me: No.
Patron: It's just naturally beautiful?
Me: Sure
Patron: Will you tell me all your secrets?           

Amazing Names #14

Oh hey, Bzone! How's it goin'?

Some people just aren't the same after you learn something about them

Does it please anyone else as much as it pleases me to know that one of the "higher ups" here at the library eats spaghettios everyday for lunch?

It pleases me A LOT.

It did not help that when I first looked at the can they were dumping into a tupperware, I thought it said, "Spaghetto," and I actually told them that.

Me: Ha ha! I thought that said, "Spaghetto!" What do you think would be in a can of "Spaghetto," anyway? Hypodermic needles in meth sauce?
Higher Up: ::blank, disapproving stare::

I work too much. 

Hint: This is not the way to pick up women

Patron: Puke on the Steelers. Are you single?

Ok, kids

Round two. Try out the blog button.

Amazing Names #13

The blog button was epic fail. Don't copy and paste that one. I will work on it tomorrow when I have the day off. Thanks, Biscuit, for letting me know.

Maybe I can get ShaShaNora. To help me out with it.

Blog button!

w00t! I made a blog button!!! It is so very exciting. Please share it with all of your friends.

And so that this post has something to sort of due with the library, I will share a book recommendation. Free for All by Don Borchert. If you thought the things you read in this blog were unbelievable, wait until you read this guy's book. He'll back me up. Wait until you read about what he found in the book drop one morning before opening.

It's a one bedroom igloo

Patron with a snow shovel: Mam, I would just like to shake your hand. Where I come from, it's the least I can do for any lady. It is a very great honor to meet an eskimo. Do you live in an ice castle?

 

No animals except for service dogs allowed in the library

Patron: Mam, could you hold these books for me? I hurt my shoulder.
Librarian: I'm so sorry to hear that, Sir. How did you hurt yourself?
Patron: Playing tug-o-war. I'd like to play tug-o-war with you. I'll have to get my snake outta the way though.

So, I apologize on the behalf of all library staff everywhere. If we don't ask you how you're doing, it's because we usually get responses like this.